Friday, November 8, 2013

Green with Envy

The past couple of days have been filled with thoughts of confusion and denial. A couple of days ago I had a lecture on this personal essay that we are required to write and our tutor showed us this U shaped curve with emotions written on different places of the curve. She went on to explain that these are the feelings that you feel whenever something happens in your life. Not everything makes you feel that way, but I guess just big things that can really shock your system or smaller things that are hard for your mind to grasp. At the top of the left hand side of the U shape was labeled "shock" and just bellow that was "denial" followed by "confusion" and at the bottom of the U shape was "depression/a turning point". On the upswing of the U was "acceptance" followed by "experimentation" and at the top of the right side was "adjustment".

It was one of those weird experiences where you feel like your in the right place at the right time. I felt like I was learning stuff that was actually really relevant to what was happening in my life for the past week. I think since I have moved I have definitely experienced all of the left side of that U. I have not managed to break on through to the other side though. I have really positive days where I feel like things are going really well and I am starting to be alright with living here but then I have extreme lows in the following days which makes me wonder if I am actually being positive or if I am just in denial.
I know it sounds really over dramatic, and a little spoiled. I mean I am living in London and I am going to college here to study what I really want. That is such an incredible opportunity that not very many people get to take, and I am here taking it. Why do I feel so shitty?

I don't want to kid myself, I am having some struggles with a lot of aspects of life right now. School is pretty challenging, but that is just going to make me a stronger designer and artist. I think I am having more personal problems which a lot of people my age, or just people going to college are having. When you go to college it can be really difficult to meet people that you get on with. Friendship is a beautiful thing and I think we can all remember a time where we have had friends or being really close with certain people but memory makes it seem like friendship is something that is instantaneous and all though we would all like it to be that way, that is not the case. I have never had so much difficulty making friends before I moved here and I think that is something that is really hindering my experience in London which makes me sad.

I had the thought yesterday of giving up. I just couldn't really see the point because I was so unhappy and the loneliness was starting to eat away at me. I think being on your own is really powerful because you can find out a lot about yourself, but sometimes you might not like what you find out. Since I have moved here I have found myself second guessing my actions a lot more than I normally would and it has been... annoying. I have always had a really good idea of the kind of person I am and to have myself challenge everything I thought I knew is really unsettling.

Well... The first half of this was very depressing and maybe a little overly honest for the internet, but it was just something that I needed to get off my chest. I like it when people can see and understand one another's insecurities because it reminds us that we are all human. I am not ashamed that I have insecurities because I am a young woman and it's only natural. It really takes courage to admit when and why someone is sad and for whatever reason a lot of us are afraid to do this. Granted this is over the internet so it may be a lot easier to tell everyone whats going on, but even taking the step to tell people is saying something. I want to encourage everyone to acknowledge the hardships that they have and to not bottle up these feelings, because letting them out can bring so much relief and it can allow others to understand more about who you are. I think that is pretty important.

I have a feeling that things are really going to be changing sometime soon, in a good way. I have a lot of work coming in the next few weeks, but once it is finished or even just in the process, things are really going to be looking up.

So I dyed my hair green a couple of days ago. What do you all think? At first it was way to "electric" it made me feel a little uncomfortable, but it washed out a little bit and I actually think it's really cute.

The last thing I want to talk about it music. I was wondering what you (my readers) listen to. I have been in a rut with my music lately and I'd love to listen to some new stuff. Please send me your favorite stuff, I'd love to take a listen!


  1. Hey girl!

    The fact that you realize you have certain advantages in life that others don't shows what a good and caring person you are. There's not much you can do now, but later you can use that privilege to help others who need it. That's one of many reasons why you need to succeed, which, from an artistic and professional pov, you seem to be doing. Just tell your self that failure is not an option, there are many people who are counting on your success, and you know who they are.

    Better to be succeeding in your professional life, as you are, and have few friends, than have a zillion friends and be a shallow person with no prospects. You can feel that your life is about to change for the better, just hang on a bit!

    The green hair is totally OK, I hope you will post shots of the rest of the outfit!

    1. Thank you for your comment Denton, I really appreciate an outside perspective.

  2. Came here through IFB. You maintain a really spirited blog. Good wishes Flower!