I was going to post some pictures, because that is usually what this post is about. I usually love to post images because I feel like a picture is equal to 1,000 words, but today I am going to do something a little different. Since I have come back to London I have really been struggling with thoughts of myself and "who I am" vs "who I want to be". Image is something that for some reason is really throwing me. It never used to bother me, but I think living here, in London, it actually kind of does. Don't get me wrong, I love the way I dress and I really like having colorful hair, but it actually makes people afraid to talk to me. That kind of pisses me off, because I'm not the type of person to randomly go up to people and start talking to them. I'm not particularly shy, I just don't really know how to start a conversation with someone I've never met, once we start talking though, you won't be able to shut me up. I think most people are like that. It bums me out really, that no one really talks to me, and that leads me to kind of put myself down and then I feel the need to change. I go back and forth in my mind between standing out and fitting in, because by nature I want to be original and stand out but the loneliness is making me want to cave and fit in.
For the past week I've been peruse the interweb and finding things that have actually made me feel so much better. I am going to come out and say... *gulp*... I am a closet Miley Cyrus fan. I saw a interview with her conducted by Barbra Walters about her break up with Liam Hemsworth and the changes that she has gone through this past year. She, like most 20-21 year olds has had a huge amount of change this past year and people are scrutinizing her for it, and that is really stupid. I think because she is famous and in the public eye a lot, people forget that she is only 21 and that she is growing up. She is really just trying to find herself. The stuff she is doing is just stuff that 21 year olds do, and I can actually relate a lot.
I have changed so much more in the past two years than I have changed all through high school, which I think is saying a lot. Growing up, I think we all think that 20 is kind of old and you should really know who you are and what your about by then, but I'm 20 and I am more confused about life then I have ever been. There is so much self doubt and difficulties with adjusting to change and really trying to understand that you are still in the process of growing up. When you turn 13, there is a really dramatic change for teen girls, and the stuff you go through is a lot like the stuff you go through when your in your early 20s, of course it's more grown up, your not really dealing with puberty anymore.
In the interview with Miley, Barbra asked her if she was seeing anyone else, and she said she wasn't, but it's something that she struggles with because she thinks that guys that she likes wouldn't be into her, and she is a really big star right now, why wouldn't they be? That is a feeling that I have all the time. You think because your too "edgy" or something, that someone that you think is attractive won't think that your attractive. I want to blame it on societies beauty standards, but in reality that feeling comes from your own mind. I think when you have had your heart broken, the ability to love yourself kind of gets deflated, so the thought of anyone else loving you sounds impossible.
Today I was looking at The Style Rookie, and I came across a video of Tavi doing a talk at the Melbourne Writers convention. Being a Rookie fangirl, I started watching the hour long video. In the video she talked about an interview that she had with Rashida Jones in which they were talking about being a fangirl and Rashida said "When you idolize someone, you think they are totally amazing but what you don't realize is that the things you think are so amazing are just reflections of all the amazing things about you. When you love someone, Your the one doing the loving. Your the person who is great enough to give that love. It's not about the other person at all." This was possibly the best thing I have ever herd. I can't even tell you how good it felt to hear those words coming from Tavi's mouth. Being a young adult in my generation, I've noticed, there is a lot of negativity and there are feelings of not feeling good enough. When we don't feel good enough we naturally look up or idolize someone else via their looks, lifestyle or personality. It's important to really understand that the things your idolizing are just reflections of you. This also kind of made me feel better about being "original" not fitting in, standing out. So fuck what I said before, I need to be good enough for myself, and the rest will come.